I Think It's Gonna Rain Today
by beMMADfabulous
Summary: It's been four months since Elliot left, and he's desperate to get Olivia off his mind. He's decided to pick up an old empty journal and start writing down his rambling, disconnected thoughts in search for some sort of closure. EO.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story idea wouldn't leave me alone. All I can really tell you so far is that it may be a bumpy ride, but I won't leave you hanging in the end.**

**I Think It's Gonna Rain Today**

**Chapter 1**

Four months. That's 18 weeks. 123 days. And still I haven't forgotten anything about you... the way your hair falls carelessly in your face as your eyes strain so diligently over your paperwork (I can't get any of my own done because I can't keep my eyes off you)... the way your sweet scent lingers like the chill of a rainstorm after you leave the room... the little crinkles on your nose when you laugh like you've never known the horrors of this job.

I sit here sipping my morning coffee, and I can't help but wonder what you're doing at this very moment. Maybe you're warming yourself with a cup of that tea you decided you'd try. I wonder if you've really stuck to tea or if you're back to coffee now. I wonder how many times I cross your mind during the day, if anything ever triggers memories of us. I wonder if you feel angry toward me still. Do you still feel hurt, or do you understand why I had to leave? No, you couldn't possibly... Not entirely, anyway.

You called and left another voicemail for me yesterday. It was the first one in about a month. "Just checking in," you said, even after all this time. You don't know how close I've come to calling you back, but I can't. Not yet. Maybe not ever. One day maybe you'll forget me (even if I'll never forget you). That would be best for you, but I know you, Liv. I know you care with all that you are, and you haven't given up on me yet. Some days you're the only reason I haven't given up on myself.

The sky today is a steel gray, and I hear the distant rumble of thunder as the trees outside my window bow against the force of the steady breeze. I had planned to go for a walk or a run today, just to clear my head in a way nothing else seems to be able to anymore, but I know I'll find some excuse to stay inside, crawl back under the covers, and dine with no one but my memories of you. After all, I think it's gonna rain today...

I'm starting this journal in an admittedly desperate attempt to get you off my mind. You're all that I am now. All that is left of me is you. You're the drifting, fleeting thought as I fall asleep each night, you're the foggy, reluctant notion that pries my mind awake each morning, and you're everything in between. You're the breath that fills my lungs and the pulse that keeps my heart beating. It all sounds silly and cliche (believe me, I know), but by God it's all true. If the yellowing empty pages of this old leather-bound book and the thick black ink of this cheap pen are what it takes to get some relief from you, then so be it. So be it.

**To be continued**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The morning woke me like ice water down my spine. First it came in slow, steady drops, then all at once. I had dreamed of you again, but that's nothing new. It would be a bigger surprise if a night would pass without some vision of you to haunt me. One would think I would dream of my family... maybe Kathy... or the girl I shot... And true, sometimes I do, but I am ashamed to say that I dream of you more often than I dream of all of the others combined. I am even more ashamed of the content of the dreams of you at times, but this is not the place for such a topic...

I pray daily for some relief of you, as if you were some debilitating burn from which my body is still healing. It is as if my memories of you have engulfed me, singed my flesh, charred my very soul. I am no longer a complete man, not since you. I pray to God I heal. I pray I form new, fresh skin that is able to weather normal conditions again without the wounds reopening with the mere thought of you. I fear that there can be no me without you. This is who I have become. This is all I remain.

I must admit, I am angry at you. I'm angry because you are so much without me, while I don't know who I am without you. You are better off without me, while I am nothing. I can be nothing. I'm angry because you can sleep peacefully at night in my absence because there is no unbearable weight in your chest since I've been gone. I'm angry with you because it feels more productive than only being angry with myself.

The echoing emptiness of my bedroom is the all too familiar reminder that the quietness my life has become will remain because it will no longer be filled of your voice again. The chill of the bedsheets against my body is a mocking reminder that my bed will always be empty because it will forever be void of you. It is for these reasons, and these alone, that I have chosen to get out of bed at all today.

I cannot give myself much credit for things anymore, but for now at least I am awake, and I am, thankfully, alive.

**To be continued**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I cradled the phone cautiously in my hand like it was a large shard of jagged broken glass. Your name stared up at me from the brightly lit screen. The longer I stared, the words blurring before my eyes, the more uncertain I became. How easy it would be to press the button that would connect me to you... At last I could hear the soft, strong, lulling timbre of your voice again, if only through your recorded voicemail greeting. Would you still answer if I called you after all this time? What would I do if you answered? What would I do if you didn't?

Often I imagine what it would be like to call you and make plans to meet up to laugh and talk over coffee, just like we used to do, but I am no fool. I don't believe for one moment that it would be so simple, so easy, so careless. If you were even to agree to see me again, which is doubtful at this point, I know you would not pretend that we could start again as if we never parted, as if there weren't a gaping hole in our years that should have connected us to now. I would never want you to do such a thing anyway... We are many things, but we are not farce. We are cold, hard facts. We are solid, immovable reality.

The phone tumbled unceremoniously from my hand onto the bed with a slight bounce. I can't do this. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after that... Sometimes I am so convinced that I will never again hear your voice or see your face that I become lost in the darkness that is your absence in my life. I could go a lifetime without forgetting a single feature of your face or the rise and fall of your voice as you speak, but why would I want to do such a thing?

I fear most that I am not strong enough... I am not strong enough to stay away forever.

**To be continued**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Hope is a funny thing. On a good day, it is the bubbling that rises up in the chest and escapes from the mouth in poorly restrained laughter. Sometimes it is the quiet, calm, peaceful whisper that tomorrow is a new day. But sometimes... sometimes it is the hand that grips and squeezes the lungs, forcing out all but one last life-sustaining breath. It is then all there is left, but somehow it is still enough.

Hope, I have found, is not something easily discarded. No matter how often it is packed away and hidden securely even in the darkest of closets, it always finds a way to reemerge brightly and vibrantly like a shiny gift box from an unknown sender.

Today my package of hope came wrapped in the form of your voice. "Call me back, El" was all the recording said. I have listened to it countless times, analyzing the rise and fall of your voice like it was a riddle that I somehow must solve. You spoke in hushed tones, like the weight of the world was evident in the weariness of your voice. I wonder what sorrow you've known since I have been gone. I'd take it all from you if I could. I'd bear it all just to see you smile again.

My resolve is breaking. I feel it slip through my fingers like thin white sand. My desire to return your call is like the frantic urge to breath after being trapped under water. It is inevitable, it seems.

There are days when can't remember why I left, why I've chosen to stay away. I just hope you know, above all else, that it was the job I left. I never chose to leave you.

**To be continued**


	5. Chapter 5

**I kind of had my other story "You Should Have Been Here" in my mind when I wrote this chapter, just so you know. **

**Chapter 4**

Today is your birthday. I haven't forgotten. I imagine that you're at the bar this very moment with coworkers, just as every year. The lights are low as they light the birthday candles and sing to you as they bring out the cake. You pretend you don't want any, but you'll have a slice or two anyway, and then you'll take the rest of the cake home because it's chocolate. Chocolate birthday cake has always been your favorite.

I remember how beautiful you look every year in your party dress. (After all, that's the kind of thing a man doesn't forget...) I remember last year when you and I stayed at the bar after the others had gone home. There was a slow song playing, and we kept dancing even after the music had faded. Your head was resting on my shoulder and our arms were wrapped around each other, and I never wanted to move from that spot. You looked up at me, your eyes shining with laughter and joy, and I almost kissed you in that moment. I wonder if you knew.

I momentarily thought of coming to the bar and meeting you there for your party tonight, but I couldn't. Today is your day. After all, I wasn't exactly invited this year anyway... I'm sure you would have called if you had wanted me there. I also considered calling to wish you a happy birthday, but what if you didn't want to hear from me? What if you're angry with me? I don't want you upset on your birthday.

Tomorrow morning you'll awaken, groggy and spent from tonight's celebration, to flowers on your doorstep. I didn't leave a card because they were all too personal or too impersonal. I didn't buy you an actual present because you would've guessed right away it was from me. I know you'll enjoy the flowers just the same. I just wanted to be the reason for one of your smiles.

I hope your birthday was wonderful. I hope you smiled and danced and ate all the chocolate cake you could stand. I hope you're happy, and, most of all, I hope every one of your birthday wishes come true.

**To be continued**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: This chapter was somewhat inspired by Liv's recent monologue in the interrogation room...**

**Chapter 6**

Love is imprudent. It makes you arrogant enough to believe that just because you have affection for a person, that person will somehow come to have affections for you in return. I used to believe such a thing. I used to feel my heart swell with just the sound of your voice speaking my name. I used to feel my skin become ablaze with the brush of your hand on my shoulder. I used to see myself reflected in your dark brown eyes and feel myself get lost for longer than I should have but not as long as I would have liked. I would watch in awe as you tossed your head back when you laughed. Your eyes would light up and your neck would become exposed. I yearned to kiss your throat, your jaw, to taste the joy right off your smiling lips. I once could make you laugh like that, and it made me so proud. Even when you had a bad day, I could make you smile, sometimes even through the tears, and that was so beautiful to me. Who makes you laugh now? Do you still have the same joy that lights your eyes, or was it different after I left?

I used to catch you staring off into space after a long day. I would look over at you as I was driving you home, and it was difficult to concentrate on the road. I felt something flutter inside my chest, felt my body tremble, felt my whole sense of control diminish with the sound of your soft sigh. In those moments, I couldn't imagine feeling anything more intense than what I felt toward you. I remember, though the memory has faded considerably now because it has been so long since I have felt it, how it was to truly believe that one day our eyes would meet and you would suddenly realize that I was the man you loved. I was the man you couldn't imagine yourself living a day without. How stupid I was then...

Who was I to even think that a smart, beautiful, wonderful woman like you would ever, could ever fall in love with a married man with five children? Why would you ever place your affections on a broken, miserable excuse for a man such as me? How could you? The truth is, you wouldn't. You couldn't. You never did. You never will.

**To be continued**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

My hands are shaking even now. You called and left a message for me. You thanked me for the flowers, said you knew they were from me. "Call me back, El," you said (I've heard this one before), "I want to see you" (but not this one...).

I'm not sure of what to do. The urge to call you is even greater now than before, and before it was nearly unbearable. I swore I wouldn't do this. I wouldn't interfere with your life. "I want to see you..." The words keep echoing in my mind, your voice tempting me in that lulling tone. I want nothing more than to see you again, but those are words I thought I would never get to hear again.

What would I do, though, if I did see you now? I've tried to imagine it a million times before, but I can never get past just staring at your face, taking you in by whatever means possible because I may never get another chance.

I think I'll try to go for a run again. I'll do anything to clear my mind, anything that will help me avoid making a choice right now, because I can't ruin this chance already. I keep speaking about this as if I plan to make contact with you and to see you, and that scares me. I am a weak man, after all, when it comes to you. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to see you again, but, even worse, I'm not sure that I can keep myself from it.

**To be continued**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

If there is anything these last five months have taught me, it's that life (at least in the basic sense) goes on with or without you. Every morning I wake and go through the same routine as the day before (and the day before that) until I get back in bed at night and somehow manage to fall back to sleep. The only difference now is that you're not here with me, and I'm not there with you. You're still my first thought as I wake, the last as I fall asleep, and everything in between. You're a part of me like the sound of my voice, like the blood that flows through my veins. I couldn't get rid of you even if I tried.

I believe I may have made a mistake today. I was weak, and now I can't take it back. I called you when I knew you wouldn't answer. I was too afraid to speak to you. I was barely brave enough to leave you a message, but I did. I stuttered and stammered and told you I'd be glad to see you. It was, perhaps, not one of my wisest decisions. It was certainly not one of my strongest moments. But I have made my mistake, and now I must face the consequences, ready or not.

God forgive me for this. God help me through this. What have I done?

**To be continued**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Fear is a cold fire that fills my lungs and surges through my veins as I stare at the voicemail notification. Fear is a strange drug, the way it prepares the body to fight or flee. What am I doing here? Am I prepared to fight, or will I flee again? I'm not particularly brave. I only fight on instinct. The only fighting I have done these past few months has been against myself. There has, therefore, been no victor.

"Elliot, give me a call tonight so we can talk," you said, your voice low and tired. "I would love to see you. I look forward to hearing from you. I'll be waiting for your call..."

Choices are a part, or perhaps the entirety, of life. Each choice changes life in some way, but some, of course, cause major changes. The choices I am about to make, whether or not to call you and talk to you and whether or not to see you again, are the kind that are completely life-changing. There is no going back. There is no "take two," no reset button on this. Sometimes we are given circumstances that are out of our control. Sometimes, though, we must take control. Now is one of those times.

I could say that I need to think this over, to take time so I can make my choice with a clear, rational mind, but that would be a waste of breath. The truth is that I have already made my decision. It may break me. It may hurt like a pain I have never known, but I have made my decision, just as I will take full responsibility for the consequences, whatever they may be, when the time comes. It may not be my wisest decision, but I don't have a choice. I can't say no... I have to see you again.

**To be continued**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

I can't sleep. Restless energy is racing through my veins and playing like a film strip in my head. All I can hear is your soft, nearly pleading voice saying "Elliot, I've missed you" as soon as you answer the phone. No "hello" was needed. You could talk only for a moment (you were having to work late unexpectedly), but you asked me to meet you tomorrow evening at the coffee shop a couple of blocks from your apartment. I agreed without hesitation, but the heavy silence that followed made me realize that you're questioning whether or not I'll actually be there. It hurts me that you have to question my honesty now. "I'll be there, Olivia," I assured you. "I can't wait to see you." You said goodbye, and I couldn't tell if it was doubt in me or reluctance to hang up the phone that I heard in your voice. It haunts me even now.

I realize, as I lie alert and restless in my cold bed as yet another late hour passes by, that I am afraid to see you again. I am afraid of all the things we have left unsaid. I am afraid of how you feel toward me now. You have every right to be angry with me, after all. I am afraid that too much has changed between us, and I am afraid, perhaps most of all, that I will somehow make another mistake and you will never want to see me again.

**To be continued**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

I was already 15 minutes late. I should have known better. I should have left earlier. I should have prepared. The rain clouds were gathering long before I left home. The first rain droplets were beginning to fall as I hailed the taxi, but droplets quickly turned into a downpour. Accidents caused traffic to be at a standstill. I began to panic. I decided I could walk from there. It was only a couple of blocks away, and I couldn't miss my chance to see you again, come hell or high water.

I was 20 minutes late by the time I made it to the coffee shop, chilled to the bone and completely soaked and dripping with rain. I was sure you had already given up on me. I hadn't known the feeling of that kind of panic in quite some time. Blustery wind howled in my ear, and I almost missed the sound of your voice from across the coffee shop. You were standing and had gathered your things, as if you had just given up on me and had decided to leave. I barely remember moving across the room toward you. All I could process was the completeness I felt again deep inside my chest as I took in every aspect of your face. Coming closer, I realized that your eyes were shining and slightly red as if you had been crying, but your lips were curving into a soft, familiar smile.

My lips moved to form your name, but I'm not sure I made a sound. "I thought you weren't coming," you said, not accusingly. I apologized and rambled about the rain, the traffic, the accidents... You smiled and asked me if I wanted to get some coffee. I nodded, thankful for something that would warm my chilled body. I don't know which of us initiated it, but in the next moment you were in my arms. Your body was enveloped in mine, your head resting on my shoulder, your heavy breathing sensually tickling and warming my ear. You held onto me tightly like you didn't mind that I was soaking wet with rain.

"I missed you so much," you whispered into my ear. My heart ached hopefully at the sound. You slipped back out of my arms slowly as I told you I had missed you too. I was amazed at the comfortable silence between us as we ordered our coffee and sat down at the small table for two in the back corner of the room.

We drank our coffee and talked about everything yet nothing at all. Being with you again hadn't felt the way I had expected. I had imagined you would be angry with me, as you have every right to be, and that time would have changed us, but you spoke to me with a genuine companionship that seemed to erase the past few months that were void of our partnership. Your smile, your laugh, the rise and fall of your voice as you spoke... it was all amplified as if I were experiencing it again for the very first time. It was as if I was dreaming, and I could not shake the fear that I would wake up at any time and find myself without you all over again.

All too soon you said you had to go back to work. I was afraid to let you leave again, afraid that I had just watched my last chance with you slip by... but you asked if you could call me again. You want to see me again soon, you said, if it would be all right. Breathlessly, I nodded as your eyes lit up with another smile. You covered your hand with mine for just a moment as you told me it had been good to see me again before you said goodbye. I watched you walk away, and now there is a heavy emptiness in my chest that has replaced the space that you had filled again today. For just an hour I had almost forgotten what it had been like to be hollow with your absence. I had almost forgotten what it had felt like to be without you... But now... now I remember.

**To be continued**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

I'm not sure what woke me, but the light of my cell phone screen flashing with an incoming call was the first thing to catch my attention. Seeing your name on the screen, my first instinct was heart-pounding fear. Something had to be wrong.

"Elliot." Your voice was quiet and sweet. "I'm sorry for calling you so early..." I struggled to fight the heavy tiredness in my voice as I asked "Liv, are you okay?" You were fine, you said. You just had a moment before work... You began stumbling over your words as you asked if I would be able to meet for dinner tonight. No more rushing off to work. Just us, reconnecting. I'm sure you heard my smile as I sleepily replied "How could I say no?"

And how could I? I slept better last night after seeing you than I have slept in months. For once I went to sleep and woke up with more hope than fear. I feel refreshed, whole again. I am not a fool who pretends that seeing you again, no matter how wonderful it feels, will erase the last few months, the fact that I left without saying goodbye. But I know that you have returned a piece of me that had been empty, a piece I had physically ached over with every breath, every moment. That alone is enough.

**To be continued**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

I picked you up at exactly 7:00. I made sure I left early this time because I couldn't allow myself to be late like I had been at the coffee shop. I know you said you didn't mind, but you deserve better. You greeted me at the door in a black cocktail dress that hugged your curves perfectly. Your hair was wavy and loose, and my fingers itched to run through it. Your lips shined with a soft pink gloss as you smiled at me, and my mouth hungered for a taste. You laughed at me when all I could do was stare at you. I knew better than to attempt to speak in that moment.

Our hands brushed together for a brief second as I opened the car door for you, and I was sure my heart had stopped. I struggled to breathe as you smiled shyly at me. We weren't even in the car together yet, and I was already feeling dizzy from the nearness of you.

We spent all night catching up with each other from the last few months. I listened more than I talked because while so much has happened for you lately, I have only spent my time away missing you... I feared that you would ask me tonight why I had left; I'm not ready to talk about that with you. I know that we will eventually stop skirting around the issue, but tonight was not that time, and for that I am grateful.

After dinner, we took a walk around the block. Somewhere along the way we bumped shoulders, and then I felt your hand slip around to link your arm with mine. I fought to keep my breathing steady and even. I hoped you couldn't feel my body tremble against yours. For those too brief moments that we walked together arm-in-arm, I could not feel the ground below me. I was not bothered by the bright lights or loud noises around us. You were all that mattered. It was as if I was floating on air.

We drove back to my place, and I got the feeling that it was because we were both reluctant to part again. We sat on the couch as we drank beer and talked and laughed together like old times. It felt like we were partners again, or rather like we never stopped being partners. Before we knew it, it was long past midnight, and you were so tired you could barely keep your eyes open...

You're asleep on my couch now, and I all I keep thinking is that you look like a gift from God. The rise and fall of your breathing is calming and somehow reassuring to me. I wrapped a blanket around you and turned out the lights because while I didn't want to leave you, I knew I couldn't stay with you. I just pray that when you wake in the morning, you won't be angry with me for allowing you to stay and neither of us regret this...

**To be continued**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

I woke with a feeling I hadn't been expecting... Sadness. The hollow pain of missing you had returned. You were gone. No note, no text message, no voicemail, no explanation. The blanket I had covered you with was neatly folded and placed on the end of the couch. For a moment I wondered if last night had even actually happened. Perhaps I had dreamed it all... That would have been better than the reality that you were gone.

I let the phone ring until your voicemail answered, but I didn't leave a message the first time. I called back, hoping beyond hope that you would answer this time, but the voicemail picked up again. My heavy, aching heart sank back to my stomach; this was a feeling I had gotten used to over the past few months, but I have been delusional enough to believe that seeing you again would keep me from having to feel it anymore.

My voice trembled as I left you a short message, but I didn't even fight to keep steady this time. I don't feel I have much else to lose anymore.

"Liv... I thought I'd be able to see you this morning. I'm really sorry if I've done something wrong... Call me back."

**To be continued**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Two days had passed since the morning you left, and still I hadn't heard from you. I hadn't known it was possible to hurt more than I had over the past few months without you, but nothing compares to the pain of having you come back in my life but then slip out of my reach again.

Rain had been pouring all day with unrestrained fury. The sound reverberated on the roof and made a heavy tapping noise against the windows, lulling me into a reluctant sleepy sense of calmness. At first I thought the sound had only been the rain or perhaps a roll of thunder, but I finally recognized the sound of a soft knock on my front door.

"What are you doing here?" The question fell from my lips more accusingly than I had intended. Even in the low light of the overcast evening, I could see the heat rise in your cheeks. You looked unsure of yourself, as if you couldn't even answer my question. "I'm sorry," you nearly whispered, and I wasn't sure if you were apologizing for leaving two days ago or for coming back today. I gestured for you to come inside; you couldn't just stand there soaking wet on my doorstep.

Your eyes were wide and almost fearful as they kept searching my face. I realized in that moment that I was not angry at you, even though you looked as if you expected me to be. I kept quiet, silence ringing in the air between us, and waited for you to speak first.

"You have to know why I left..." you began unsteadily but somehow as if we hadn't just gone two days without speaking with each other. I raised my eyebrows in response, waiting for your explanation without pushing you for it. "I'm scared, Elliot." Your words were so hushed I almost didn't hear them. I opened my mouth to question your further, but you continued without prompt. "When you left before, everything changed. For 12 years, I wasn't me without you, so when you left, I wasn't sure I knew who I was anymore. And when you came back, I got scared that I was getting too close too fast because maybe you were going to leave again. I can't go through that again, Elliot. I can't."

It was as if shards of glass were piercing my chest as I watched you cry and choke on your rambling words. I wanted to hold you, but I was afraid you would run if I tried to touch you. "I don't want you to leave again, Elliot. Please don't leave." My mouth went dry as you stood before me, completely a mess from the rain that had soaked your hair and clothes and the tears that stung your eyes but still absolutely beautiful. I took a small step forward, careful not to startle you. "I'm not going anywhere, Liv."

**To be continued**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Red hot flames crackled in the fireplace as I worked hard to keep my breathing even as you rested your head against my shoulder. I smiled softly to myself as I realized that it seems as though I spend a lot of time just struggling to breathe properly when I am around you. You sighed as you began to turn your body. I held my breath, afraid you would move away from me, but you snuggled even closer, your cheek resting warmly against the curve of my shoulder. I wanted to talk to you, even just to hear the sound of your voice beside me rather than repeating from a memory in my head, but I couldn't bring myself to break the sweetness of the moment.

My eyelids became heavy and yearned to remain closed. I cannot recall ever feeling comfort as powerful as your body cradled against mine as we warmed by the fire. You were asleep on my shoulder by the time your hair and clothes were dry. I wanted nothing more than for you to stay the night. This time, I would remain on the couch with you and would fight sleep just to take the opportunity relish you in my arms. Your soft, warm breath against my neck would lull me to sleep at last, and I would sleep more soundly than I ever had before. When I woke in the morning, I would place featherlight kisses on your forehead until you opened your eyes, your smile sleepy but bright as you pulled me even closer to you…

But I can't let you stay. Not tonight. There is undeniable bravery involved in admitting one is afraid, and I will honor your confession that you fear we are moving too fast. I will not push you, and I will not allow you to be put into careless situations that you live to regret. We will take this (whatever "this" may evolve to be) slowly. I have waited for you for over a decade; I can wait for a decade more if that's what it takes.

**To be continued**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

"When can I see you again?" The look of hurt on your face in response to my question wasn't what I had been expecting. You averted your gaze from me, shadows falling over the part of your face that had been illuminated by the fire. "You don't want me to stay?" Your voice was small and almost timid again. You know I wanted you to stay. But I won't accept short-term pleasures in return for a compromised chance for you being in my future. I want you to be my future…

You conceded that you should leave, and I began to feel the hollow pain of missing you all over again, even though I knew we were making the better choice. You promised you would call me tomorrow as you placed a warm hand gently over my jaw for just a brief moment. We stood together, and you flashed a sweet, sly smile at me. I felt your hands on my back and your breath on my lips as you leaned toward me. My eyes nearly closed in the low light of the fire, lured by the intoxicating nearness of you.

I felt your lips ghost across mine so softly and briefly that I wondered if I had imagined it. I leaned even further in to you to catch your mouth, but you gracefully pulled out of my reach. My eyes widened, and you smiled at me again, more wickedly this time, as you walked to the front door and shrugged on your coat.

"I think you're right, Elliot. We should take this slow."

**To be continued**


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

My body has been engulfed in a perpetual fire since your lips had teased mine. I want nothing more than for you to extinguish the flame, and I knew only your mouth can do the job. I was determined that if you weren't suffering as much as I was, you would be you knocked at the door, I answered wearing well-fitting jeans and no shirt. The moment I saw the color of your cheeks deepen and your wide eyes flicker across my bare chest, I knew I had gotten the right response. I made a point to hold you by the elbow and slide my hand slowly down your arm as I welcomed you inside. I could've sworn I felt you tremble.

As I put on a thin shirt (I couldn't give you too much relief just yet), I saw your facial expression darken and knew something was weighing on your mind. "Elliot…" Your voice was quiet but raspy. "What are we doing here?" I smirked as I stepped close to you. "Taking things slowly," I replied. You didn't smile. Worry lined your face. "No. I mean… What is this between us?" I knew we would have this conversation eventually, but I thought I would be the one to bring it up in a moment of reckless impatience. You, however, seemed as though you had been planning this. I shrugged but couldn't help but avert my eyes from you as I confessed "I want to be with you, Olivia. That's all I ever wanted, and after all this time… you're still what I want."

I wasn't prepared for the tears that shined in your eyes or the pain evident in your voice as you spoke. "All you ever wanted? You mean…" I nodded, feeling the familiar tug of guilt in my chest as I answered, "I don't remember… I don't remember not loving you." Your deep, shaky breath was audible as a tear rolled down your cheek. Your jaw worked as you struggled to form words that still echo in my head even now… "What did you expect, Elliot? For me to have fallen in love with you? For me to have waited for you for over 12 years?" You gasped lightly in a desperate attempt to catch a breath. "Well, I have, El."

**To be continued**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

We found ourselves in front of the blazing fireplace once again, wrapped in a blanket and snuggled close together. I think this has quickly become my new favorite activity. Your lazy breath on my neck and your arms enveloped around me warmed me about as much as the fire, if not more. You tipped your head back to look at me and flashed a sweet smile that, for lack of a better description, gave me butterflies. The spark of happiness shining in your eyes and in your face as you looked up at me gripped a tight fist around my heart and pooled an infrequent but undeniable sensation behind my eyes. Swept up in the all-consuming love I had for you, so strong and tangible in that moment, I swallowed hard the urge to cry. I was struck hard by my emotional response.

I cupped your cheek in my hand and felt myself shiver as you ran a hand up my chest. You leaned toward me, gripping the back of the couch behind me for leverage as you paused just for a brief moment before pressing your lips fully onto mine. The kiss was soft, but not at all hesitant, at first, then deeper as our mouths explored each others'.

As our lips parted and you rested your forehead on mine, it suddenly struck me that this had been the first time our lips had touched in all the years that I have known you. For over twelve years I had dreamed of what your mouth would feel and taste like and what you would look like with you lips all swollen from the passion of the kiss… Twelve years, and reality was so much better than I could have ever dreamed.

**To be continued**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

It had been a week since I had held you. A week since I'd seen the fire ignite in your eyes from the spark of your smile. A week since my lips had tasted the sweetness of yours. When did one week without you begin to feel like months? But then again, I think it has always been that way with you, if I'm being honest with myself. Work has kept you away, but finally tonight I was able to see you again.

I had become distracted at the window by the rapidly darkening sky when I heard your knock at the door. It's interesting, I think, that you always seem to come in with the rain. You tried to smile when I answered the door, but I could see the pain in your face as you did so. "You had a rough week," I said; it was not a question. You nodded and closed your eyes as I enveloped you tightly in my arms. "Come rest," I suggested, hanging a blanket around your shoulders. "I made you some hot chocolate. I thought you could use some time to relax." I thought for a moment you were going to cry when I kissed you on the forehead, but instead you gave your best genuine smile and whispered "Thank you."

I've always believed that you're stronger than I am. I've seen you face unspoken horrors, long weeks at work, and unbearable stressful situations — and still you continue to fight. You have never allowed yourself to be a victim of anything or anyone, no matter the circumstances, and I admire you for that far more than you know. You have unmatchable courage that in itself gives me strength. Even as you rested your head on my shoulder and clung tightly to me like you were trying to hold onto something tangible enough to remind yourself that you're still alive, you continued to be the strongest and bravest person I have ever known.

"Can I stay here tonight?" you mumbled on my chest, exhaustion tearing at your voice. I brushed loose strands of hair out of your face and placed another soft kiss onto the crown of your head. "You can stay as long as you'd like."

**To be continued**


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

You said the smell of breakfast cooking woke you up as you sank down in a chair at the dining table. I didn't tell you, but I rarely get up anymore in the mornings to make myself breakfast; you're just the right kind of special occasion to inspire me to do it again. I didn't understand how you looked so effortlessly beautiful when you had just gotten out of bed for the day, but it made my mouth dry just looking at you. There was something else too that was making my tongue heavy and my throat tighten, and it came in the form of three words that my heart was sure of but my mouth just wasn't ready to say.

I sat across from you as we ate, and I listened to you speak of various topics, and I tried to chime in to let you know I really was paying attention, but the echo of those three words was so loud in my head that it almost drowned out the sound of your voice. Every time you laughed, every time you spoke my name, every time you looked at me with that soft intensity, those three words pulsed like a heartbeat in my head. I began to find it difficult to even look at you, because I feared that somehow you would hear the battle raging inside me.

I asked you if you would like to go to dinner tonight, and the delight in your eyes and the sweet upward curve of your lips as you accepted the offer made me have to clench my jaw so hard I was afraid I would break a tooth just from making sure that those three words wouldn't carelessly slip off my tongue.

I tuck those three words away because you're not yet ready to hear them from me, if you ever will be… I can't do it. I'm not ready to chance the possibility of chasing you away just yet.

**To be continued**


End file.
